The Great Pie War, XMen Style!
by GlassSuicune
Summary: What happens when Wolverine and Magneto take the Great Pie War in some random VeggieTales episode a little too seriously? My guess would be insanity. But that's just a guess. Warning: My editor said 'Do not eat while reading this story'


The Great Pie War, X-Men Style! by GlassSuicune

Note: X-Men belongs to Marvel. VeggieTales belongs to Big Idea. I also do not own any other trademarks contained herein. The 'Oh sweet pineapples' phrase belongs to me. Before anyone says anything, I am making no attempt whatsoever to keep anyone in-character, so you've been warned. I got this idea in one of my bored moments, and I just so happened to have X-Men and VeggieTales on my mind during that point in time. That's all you need to know.

Xavier sat in his wheelchair and stared at the living room -or rather, what was left of it. Wolverine and Magneto's groups had engaged in an all-out war shortly before this, and made the place look like a tornado had been through it, turned around and come back through it. That metaphor probably did happen however, as Storm was part of Wolverine's group.

Kitty walked into the disaster area, munching on a granola bar. She examined the area and said bluntly, "Lemme guess, Wolvie and Maggie found something stupid to fight about." Xavier looked at her. "Yes, Kitty. This time it was over the timeline to 'The Legend of Zelda'." he said.

"Eek. This arguing stuff is reaching dangerous levels. Sounds like fun, how do I join?"

Xavier sighed. "For once, I have no idea what to do about this," he said sadly, "Logan and Magneto will destroy the mansion, terrorize every single mutant contained herein, upset the President more then he already is, and drive me out of my mind." Kitty could tell this was serious, so she suggested, "Have you thought of making them watch VeggieTales?"

"Kitty, what are you talking about?"

"Y'know, those talking vegetables that teach kids Bible verses and morals."

Xavier didn't answer and Kitty could tell he was on to what she was talking about. "That just might work..." the old man said to himself. Kitty smiled and headed towards where one of the doors leading outside used to be. "Where are you going?" Xavier asked. The teenager looked at him and said, "I'm no fool. I'm going to go buy a First Aid Kit." That having been said, she left.

Xavier watched Kitty walk out into a busy road. Cars honked and swerved to avoid hitting the girl, and ended up crashing into anywhere and everywhere. Xavier covered his eyes, not wishing to see the young mutant go SPLAT. He could hear one car swerve, Kitty scream something along the lines of "Reckless Sunday driver!!!", and two Italians scream out whatever in their language.

Xavier uncovered his eyes and saw to his relief Kitty was alive and well -but he also saw to his horror that she was surrounded by a lot of cars that had crashed trying not to hit her. Each car's occupant was unharmed, though they were glaring at Kitty in a way Xavier wasn't so sure he liked. The Italians from earlier were staring at a truck that had drove into their plumbing shop in an attempt to avoid Kitty ( brownie points if you can guess who these Italians are).

Kitty looked at her granola bar and screamed, "These things sure do keep you healthy!" She walked away and time immediately froze. A humanoid Suicune dressed as a nurse walked over to the center. She held a clipboard and said, "We interrupt this program to bring you this important announcement. Scientists have reported a strange side-effect to eating granola bars."

"These side-effects include, but are not limited to, coming up with ideas so crazy they just might work, being able to cross a busy road and not get hit, and those are just a few examples. We now return to our previously scheduled program." She clapped her hands and time started flowing again, then she walked away.

Kitty finished the granola bar and walked into a nearby pharmacy. The Suicune followed, probably to find more side-effects. Xavier sighed and rolled back into the mansion ( I'm not so sure the roofless living room counts anymore) to try out Kitty's idea. I dunno about you, but I don't think this'll work.

ONE HOUR LATER....

"You WHAT?!" Mystique screamed, upon hearing what Xavier wanted everyone to do. Wolverine didn't seem very enthusiastic either, as he said, "Aren't we a little old for that?" Jean looked at him and said, "Laugh all you want, but I just so happen to have 'Clifford the Big Red Dog' tapes." Everyone stared at her in horror.

"Don't question me!" Xavier yelled, sticking a tape into the VCR. "I feel like a first-grader..." Magneto groaned, as Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber appeared on the screen. Storm saw this and screamed, "Oh sweet pineapples! Talking vegetables! I hate vegetables!" Sufficiently freaked, Xavier then left the room and locked the door.

Scott got out a bag of popcorn and said, "Well, we might as well deal with it." Toad and Pyro glared at him, as if to say, "Deal with it? You must be joking." Wolverine looked and saw Storm in the fetal position, Magneto hyper-ventilating, Mystique covering her eyes with her hands yet peeking through them, and Jean watching the show with childish amusement.

The authoress of this story would pay for this.

This VeggieTales episode was the one where Larry played the king -his name escapes me- who was after Junior Asparagus' character's rubber duck -however, the mutants were mostly oblivious to that. What interested them was the Great Pie War in this episode. Can you see where this is going? To those of you who said 'Yes', you're probably scared by now. To those of you who said 'No', you need to do your homework.

THREE TAPES LATER...

Xavier came back and took the tape out, smirking at the traumatized mutants. As he was about to stick another tape into the VCR, Storm ran up to him. "No! Have mercy on us!" she cried, "No more talking vegetables! PLEASE!!!" Xavier put the tape back in its box and said, "Only if you and your friends and enemies promise not to destroy the mansion."

"Consider it done! Just....no more Bob and Larry..."

Xavier smiled and left the room. Storm fell to the ground and started breathing heavily. "At last...freedom..." she panted. Wolverine and Magneto looked at each other. "Pies don't cause much damage, right?" Wolverine asked. "Only when Pyro makes them." Magneto answered, catching an angry glare from Pyro.

"So... Xavier can't get angry if we have a Pie War, right?"

"He probably can, but I know you won't listen."

"Well then, let's show those talking vegetables what a real Pie War looks like!"

All the mutants then ran to the nearest bakery, nearly running over Kitty -who had just left the pharmacy. Kitty noticed their haste and examined her bag. "Let's see... First Aid Kit, dark chocolate Hershey's candy, cheap tent that'll likely collapse while I'm in it, cheap sleeping bag I'll probably get trapped in, and a box of fruit punch Capri Sun..." she muttered, "Yup, that should be enough to survive the next war."

Kitty then walked back into the mansion, meeting up with Xavier. "Kitty, what's all that for?" he asked. Kitty looked to the left and the right, then answered, "Survival..." With that, she left the man in the wheelchair to think about how crazy everyone was getting.

Bobby and Rogue showed up. "Is something wrong?" Bobby asked. Xavier looked at the two and said, "I wish I could say there isn't, but there is."

"What is it?"

"You know who."

Bobby and Rogue both opened their mouths into a big O shape.

Now, rather then boring all of you, let's just skip to the action.

"Okay, are you guys sure you know when to come?" Wolverine asked. "Of course we do!" cried Storm. Her, Scott, and Jean were currently standing on a balcony, ready to jump down when Wolverine gave the whistle.

Magneto looked around for his team-mates. Apparently he had lost them amongst an angry mob ( the same people who tried not to hit Kitty). So needless to say, he made an excellent target for Wolverine's group.

Finally, the hero and villain noticed each other and stared each other down like a sheriff and outlaw in those Western movies. Both pulled a pie out of nowhere and pointed at each other. "Blueberry Conquerers! Attack!" cried Wolverine, as Scott, Jean, and Storm jumped from the balcony ninja style. "Strawberry Underachievers! Commence!" cried Magneto, as Mystique, Toad, and Pyro walked over looking like they just had a fight with Superman.

Wolverine threw his blueberry pie and hit Magneto square in the face, knocking him backwards and causing his strawberry pie to hit Pyro. Mystique countered this by creaming Storm with her pie. Storm got up and unable to see, slammed her pie into Scott's face. Toad, however, decided to eat his pie and not throw it.

Pyro ran towards Jean and threw his pie. "Take that, Jeannie!" he yelled in triumph. Jean sighed, gave a flick of her wrist, and sent the pie flying back to Pyro. "No fair!" he cried in defeat. Scott wiped the pie debris from his face, and slammed an oblivious Toad with his own pie. "Thank you!" cried Toad, licking his face.

Magneto had recovered and was promptly hit with another pie, courtesy of Wolverine. He got back up, and was hit with another, and another, and another, you get the idea... "Aww, don't be blue, Maggie..." Wolverine taunted, as Magneto was now covered head to toe with blueberry filling. "Hmph, you'll be turning red once I do this!" Magneto cried, getting up and throwing his pie.

There was silence for awhile, as Magneto just realized something kinda important. "How could you miss me?!" Wolverine screamed, "I was right smack-dab in front of you!" Magneto blinked, rubbed his eyes, yet the horrifying reality still shone before his eyes.

He had missed Wolverine spectacularly, but he didn't miss Xavier.

Xavier slowly moved his head in Magneto's direction, and his eyes narrowed in an accusing glare. Magneto figured this would probably be a good time to run, but as he tried to do so, Wolverine grabbed him. "You started this mess! You fix it!" Wolverine yelled. "Well, I wasn't the one who said, 'Let's show those talking vegetables what a real Pie War looks like'!" Magneto fought back.

"Touche'."

Xavier breathed in and out very slowly, trying so hard to keep his calm and gentle demeanor. However, he soon realized with the Blueberry Conquerers and Strawberry Underachievers, he wouldn't be able to. "If you can't beat them, join them," he conceded, before shouting, "Apple Avengers of Justice! Charge!" All of a sudden, Bobby, Rogue, and Kitty burst through the doors carrying apple pies.

Xavier rolled towards Wolverine and Magneto with a pie in both of his hands. When he was within range, he promptly shoved the pies into their faces. "Haha! No one defeats me!" he cried. Wolverine rubbed the debris out of his face and growled, "This is the first pie that's hit me." Magneto had a 'Why would I care?' look on his face.

Kitty slammed Storm and Mystique with pies in a similar fashion to Xavier. Bobby took down Scott and Toad, while Rogue ran up to Jean and Pyro, stuck her tongue out, and creamed them. While this was happening, Wolverine and Magneto were arguing about who started the whole ordeal -and were totally oblivious to Xavier ready to cream them again.

A young mutant looked out the window and could see the Pie War taking place. "Cool, and here I thought this stuff only happened on TV!" he cried, "Now it's happening in a fanfiction of a movie where insanity is forbidden!" He pulled out a camcorder and started filming this. Pretty soon, every mutant within the mansion was watching this.

Hank, who had come to see what the young ones were so interested in, noticed the President's car pull up into the driveway. "Oh no, this is not going to end well..." he grimaced. The President walked out and made his way towards where the craziness was taking place. Hank buried his face in his hands. They were all doomed.

"Charles Xavier, where are you?" the President asked. He was then greeted by a man in a wheelchair and covered in blueberry and strawberry filling -Wolverine and Magneto had taken vengeance on Xavier. "Mr. President, I can explain..." Xavier started, fairly certain the President wasn't so keen on this awkward behavior.

"You don't have to explain. You were having a Pie War and I wasn't invited!"

Everyone stood there with their mouths wide open. "Would you like to join in?" Rogue asked. The President pulled a cream pie out of nowhere and shouted, "Cream Puffs! Strike!" Three Secret Service agents ran over to the area carrying cream pies as well. The Blueberry Conquerers and Strawberry Underachievers decided this would be a good time to run, and the Apple Avengers of Justice and Cream Puffs gave chase.

Bob and Larry watched the mutants and humans from afar. Bob then turned to the audience. "Well kids, what's the lesson to be learned here?" he asked. Larry then spoke up, "Um, once a crazy mutant, always a crazy mutant?"

"Not exactly, Larry."

Madam Blueberry walked over and noticed Wolverine's group. Her eyes narrowed. "Those little creeps..." she muttered.

Note: Well there ya have it! Review please? I know this was pretty dumb, but I was high on sugar when I started writing this. My editor told me there is a lesson to be learned here, believe it or not. You know those people who play games like Grand Theft Auto and decide to play the game for real? Well, the people who get caught up in it end up hurt or dead. Sad but true. Don't play a game for real. EVER. And just for the record, I do enjoy VeggieTales.


End file.
